Take Aim and Release

father-son-bow

I recently had the amazing opportunity to listen to a challenge from Dr. Duane Litfin. If you are not familiar with the name, he is the President Emeritus of Wheaton College, and brought some great reminders to me in his presentation.

We read from Psalm 127. I have to admit, I had never taken the whole chapter as a single topic, but after hearing this, I felt compelled to share.

You see, I find myself challenged with the notion that my day-job needs to matter. From what I have read in management literature, I am not alone in this. We all need to have a sense that we are not just wasting our days and that we will come to the end of our lives wondering if we really made a difference.  Here is what the Psalmist had to say…

1 Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain. 2 In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat—for he grants sleep to those he loves. 3 Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. 4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. 5 Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court. (NIV)

I have never really connected verses 1-2 with 3-5 before. Solomon was passing along some wisdom that really struck home with me. It is not an accident that he starts by saying that the Lord needs to be in the center of the work, but then he wraps it all up talking about our kids and the blessing they are.

Solomon was really onto something here. I have always said that my definition of success in this life is that my grandchildren are serving God. Regardless of where I work, and what I do, my first, and most powerful, field of influence is my children.

C.S. Lewis once said “All that is not eternal is eternally out of date.”

How much of the daily work I do is outdated the moment I finish it? Is my career really all about things that no one will know about, or care about, decades from now? I contrast that against the generations before me, and the generations that come after me. My dad does not have much in the way of material possessions, but he did leave me and my siblings a legacy to follow: A passionate legacy of living a life with God unashamedly.

Am I looking at my kids as a blessing? Many days – yes. Some days I forget and need this reminder.

Am I intentional in how I aim their lives towards the Lord? I need to be more so. When I am not placing a priority on my children, and their need for seeing who God is, it is because I am guilty of placing too much emphasis on other endeavors. Endeavors that, regardless of how noble, pale in comparison to my role as the father, mentor, leader in my home. My boys need to see the God I serve. They need to know that I am here for them. They need to know that true manhood is experiencing a personal relationship with the God of creation.

Disclaimer: I often refer to myself as a Jack of all Trades, Master of None. May I learn to be a Master of One Trade – Dad.

Manhood is Caught, Not Taught

Manhood isn’t taught; it’s caught.

I’ve shared this concept many times as I’ve encouraged men to embrace their role as coaches to young guys.  It isn’t really a foreign concept since most guys have had some type of coach in their lifetime.  You may be remembering one from your past right this minute.  Of course, not all coaching results in a positive experience, but you probably will agree that the influence of that coach has made a lasting impact.

As with coaching, fathering can also be either positive or negative.  Since none of us are perfect, our fathering will probably include some of both.  The question is, how can we minimize the negative and maximize the positive as we interact with our sons?

As the father of three sons (ages 36, 27, and 25), I have had to remind myself for years that my job is not to raise boys, but rather to raise men.  The job never really stops; it just changes based on age and maturity level.  As our sons mature and grow older, they will need a father’s influence in many differing ways.  Learning how to influence them appropriately will be a life’s work for any father.

I can assure you that our culture needs men who know what the role entails.  Unfortunately, we seem to be suffering from an overabundance of males who simply have no idea what practical and godly manhood looks like.  In other words, we have too many boys, many of whom are in their 50’s and 60’s.

Manhood-Caught-Not-Taught

Manhood is something like a cold virus: the strain you catch is the same strain as the person you caught it from.  So it is important for us as fathers to learn the type of manhood that God describes throughout scripture.  If you were to grade King David’s fathering and manhood, he would probably have a near failing grade.  But the New Testament refers to him as “a man after God’s own heart.”  Abraham lied about his wife and caused her to be placed in the harem of another king.  Not exactly stellar manhood, yet his faith was credited to him as righteousness.  Having God’s heart and living in faith are essential elements of godly manhood.  Actively cultivating these in your life will help you be the man your son should emulate.

Our society places a lot of emphasis on education.  We seem to think we can educate our problems out of existence.  What we may have overlooked in the process is the need for teaching (education) and instruction (coaching).  God nuances this language as he tells mothers to teach their children and fathers to instruct them.

Instruction includes demonstration and practical application.  In other words, the one being instructed observes the desired behavior during the instruction.  When we instruct our sons to securely tie the boat to a dock, it includes a demonstration.  The knot chosen may have been taught through a diagram, but the application is observed as someone else actually ties the boat to the dock.  By observing a man’s behavior, a boy is instructed about how a man acts.

My coach has told me a number of profound truths over the years, but in my next post we’ll look at the one I have found to be the most impactful: “You will never father well until you have been fathered well.”  In the meantime, keep at it.  Learn as much as you can about the Father’s Heart and believe what He says is true.  After all, faith is believing what God has said and then living it out daily.

Try it and watch what happens.

Like Father, Like Son

Hey Dad,

Remember that old 70’s anti-smoking commercial that coined the phrase, “Like Father, Like Son?” Well, I felt a tinge of that today with my son, Jed (5), and it felt good…and scary.

It started out just like any other day. I was getting dressed and about to grab the first shirt on top when I remembered my wife telling my mom that I always wear what’s on top, which ends up being the same thing over and ove;r so I decided to dig deep and wear something different.

I pulled a blue-striped rugby shirt out and pulled it over my head. Later, I bumped into Jed, and he looked up at me in surprise and beamed a big smile.

“We match!” he said pointing to my shirt. “I’ve got one like that.”

He disappeared and then reappeared a few minutes later, proud as all get out, wearing a shirt almost identical to mine. We took a picture together and my little boy hugged his rugby-clad papa. I could almost hear that soothing narrator’s voice say, “Like father, like son.” It felt good knowing my son wanted to be like me…and then it felt scary knowing my son wanted to be like me.

Father Son

It’s a two-edged sword…and I wield them both. If that doesn’t terrify you, nothing will. But that’s what makes what we do so powerful. That’s why we can’t afford to coast, slack off, or quit. There’s too much riding on it…er…us. Jed needs me to show him how to be a dad, a husband, and a man. Actually, all eight of my children do.

Guess what? So do yours…like father, like…you know.

You ‘da dad,

Todd

PS – Rodney Atkins wrote a great song about this very thing called ”Watching You.” Buckle on your country seatbelt.

 

photo credit

For the Father Who Fails

For the Father Who Fails ~www.boydads.com

I am a failure.  Everyone around me knows it, but it’s still a little embarrassing to admit it.  Though none of us should be content at failing, we shouldn’t be condemned by failure either.

For most guys, failure is about as well received as a dentist appointment.  We hate it.  The tendency and temptation when faced with the fear of failure, is to become angry, grow distant, work hard at faking it, or just flat out deny it.  But at some point, we need to let the grace of God free us from trying so hard to be a faultless father.

I sin.
I don’t always do devotions every night.
I am not always kind.
Patience and joy are sometimes elusive at the end of a day.
I don’t always listen intently.
I have to fight to be fully present at times.
I am a failure.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I am not a deadbeat dad who doesn’t love or lead his family.  I certainly do plenty that’s right – more than my wrong (I think).  But the good news is that we have a Savior who parents with perfection.

He always does what is good, right, and wise.
His character never changes.
He is slow to anger, compassionate, and abounding in love.
He turns His ear to us when we call to Him.
He came to be with us and for us
By grace, and through faith, His record becomes ours.

“It is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul.” -Charles Spurgeon

I will never be a perfect father to my sons.  But the good news is that I can point them to a Father who is.  He is a Father who loved me in the middle of my sin by giving me His son (Romans 5:8).  In Christ, I boast about Jesus’ record, not my own.  I boast about a Father who did not withhold His own Son so that I could become one of His very own.

May God’s faithful and faultless love for you lead you to walk more closely, depend more deeply, and trust more completely.  As you remain and rest in His affection for you, may His heart and character become your own.  And may you be a dad who continually leads your sons to the “throne of God’s grace,” so that they too, may find mercy and grace in their time of need (Hebrews 4:16).

Blessings,

Pat, The Dig for Kids

Know your role!

Know Your Role
One of the key ingredients to being a strategic and intentional dad is teaching our boys to apply biblical truth to everyday life. I have often found that life as a follower of Jesus gets fuzzier the closer it gets to real life. As fathers, we must understand that we must fulfill three primary roles in the discipleship of our boys.

Dads must be primary teachers.

A father’s goal for his boys should be to root their identity in the existence and glory of God. Far too many times, I parent as if God doesn’t exist. We should never allow our children to believe in a God who is distant and uninvolved. That means we must make it abundantly clear that God is with us in the mundane, ordinary tasks of the day. Our boys must see us glorifying God in all areas of our life. We must seek to embed the story of our sons in the larger story of God.

Dads must be primary counselors.

A father must realize that he is the negotiator in a house full of sinners, of which he is the worst. God’s plan for the family is to be a picture of redemptive community. In order for that to happen, fathers must lead their families in gospel-centered conflict resolution. Our sons must see a godly example from us on how to talk with another, serve one another, make decisions, and deal with differences. We must make sure that we do not give into surface solutions rather than dealing with our son’s heart.

Dads must be primary coaches.

Great coaches prepare, model, and adjust. Dads must prepare like coaches by parenting with the end in mind. We must know our “personnel” and prepare them to be people of hope even in the midst of a fallen world. We must also parent with a humble awareness of our own sin. Last time I checked, I don’t recall Romans 3:23 saying that just our boys sin. Boys must hear from their dads that only through Christ can we truly experience freedom from the things with which we struggle. The hope of the gospel must be the constant theme in the life of our family. Finally, we must be willing to adjust and make sure that we never let the minor trials of life take our mind away from the major issue at hand, casting and modeling vision for our boys about what it means to be a godly man.

These three roles will play a critical part in how we teach and shape the worldview of our sons. My prayer is that we all take each role seriously and that we strive to glorify God through the way we invest in the lives of our boys.

What role do you find the most difficult? What methods are you using in your house to fulfill these roles?

 

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Hey dads, feel like crashing a party? Our sister site, the MOB Society, is hosting a Facebook party TODAY at 3pm EST.

Why would you want to crash that? Here’s why:

It’s all about giving HOPE to those who need it most. This party promotes the Mother’s Day Special going on right now at MOB. Not familiar? Head here for all the details about this great project to provide meaningful, noble work for women who have been trapped in the sex trade. We need your help to spread to the word about this project!

Need another reason? Enter the giveaway at the MOB society site today, and you’ll be entered to win a great Mother’s Day gift for the BoyMom in your life.  The package includes a Freeset bag, bag of coffee beans from Avodah, and a copy of Hope for the Weary Mom.

See ya over there, Party Crashers!

 

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You know the NEW saying, “Boys will be…girls??!!”

Hey Dad,

There aren’t many things in the media that get my temperature up because I know that most of what the experts predict, discuss, or preach doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.

That said, I feel my temperature rising over an idea that seems to be growing. It’s the thought that: little boys who think they feel like little girls should be nurtured in that thinking.

Boys will be girls?

First, an article was passed on to me by a fellow dad about another dad in Germany (I think) who wore a skirt because his little boy liked to wear dresses and the dad didn’t want to discourage his son from being who he wanted to be.

Some of us have had boys who put on dresses from time to time. My boys have occasionally come up to me with goofy looks on their faces to parade their silly dress-up. I always laughed and then added, “Now go get something else on…boys don’t wear dresses.”

I didn’t make a huge deal out of it, but I also wanted to teach my sons from an early age that God expects ‘men’ to be men. It’s not optional.

Then yesterday, I read in World Magazine (March 23, 2013) that several hospitals in the US offer hormonal treatments for kids questioning their gender. The treatment postpones puberty so that if little Johnny decides he really wants to be a girl, then he won’t have started down the slippery path of ‘maleness’ before it’s too late to alter.

What set my blood boiling is that the story described how a DAD took his 9-year-old son to Chicago for the treatment because his son liked to wear dresses. This may sound like an isolated, far-fetched incident, but it’s a reminder that our society as a whole is working hard to convince us that these gender lines don’t matter.

Dad, it is our job as father to not give our sons the option of being a boy or girl. If God created them as boys, then they ARE boys and our sole purpose as their dad is to help and guide them to be MEN.

So, you make sure your sons dress like men, do men things, and behave as men. It’s not about some legalistic macho stereotype, it’s about training our sons to be dads, husbands, and the men God created them to be.

And I’m telling you, it’s a whole bunch easier to start when they’re little boys than waiting until they’re teenagers.

You ‘da man-dressing-dad,

Todd

Teaching Your Children the Bible {The Dig for Kids Giveaway}

About 2 years ago my daughter said to me, “Dad, I am glad you are a pastor.” When I asked her why, she said, “Because you teach us the Bible.”

The truth is, every parent should be (and can be) a pastor to his or her children.

The Apostle Paul makes an interesting comment regarding Timothy’s training as a child. In 2 Timothy 3:14-15, Paul says, “But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.”

Paul suggests in those verses that Timothy was being taught the Bible from a very young age.

In an effort to simply and systematically teach our children books of the Bible, I created The Dig for Kids. Out of the experience I create, biblical principles are learned and lived. The goal, of course, is that our children will fall in love with Jesus as their Savior and grow up to follow Him with all their heart, soul, and strength.

Help Your Children Learn the Bible! ~www.thebettermom.com

We were thrilled to have such an amazing response to The Dig for Kids: Luke Volume 1! The Dig for Kids has consistently been on Amazon’s “Best-Seller” List and #1 in Children’s Bible & Prayer!  It is incredible to think of literally thousands of families joining together and learning God’s Word with this resource.  The Dig, provides a fun and easy way for YOU to get into the Bible with your kids!

For those of you who haven’t heard of The Dig, a typical Dig lesson consists of the following four components:

1. The Map: The Map tells you and your child where you’ll be going in each lesson. It is a short summary of the study ahead.

2. The Dig: The Dig is the main passage you will be studying. Following each passage will be several questions designed to help conversation and understanding. They are meant to be a guide. You can use them or tweak them to help you talk with your children.

3. The Treasure: The Treasure is the big idea of each lesson. In a short statement, it is what you want your child to remember from the passage you studied.

4. The Display: When an archaeologist finds a treasure, they will clean it up and put it on display for everyone to see. This is the basic idea of the Display. It is the application of the Treasure you have found!

 

The Dig is available in PDF, Kindle, and Nook Versions as well as Paperback.

The Dig Luke Vol. 2 (Chapters 13-24):

Click HERE to purchase for $2.99 (reg. $4.99) the PDF

Click HERE to purchase for $2.99 (reg. $4.99) the Kindle version 

Click HERE to purchase for $2.99 (reg. $4.99) the Nook version 

Click HERE to purchase for $9.99 (reg. $12.99) the Paperback version

You can also purchase The Dig Luke Volume 1 here.

To celebrate the launch of The Dig for Kids: Luke Vol. 2 we are giving away 3 copies!! Enter to win below!

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Learning to Control Our Thought Lives

Learning to control our thought lives.png

Ever since I passed my 40th birthday, I have found that my metabolism is starting to slow down. Up until then, I could eat whatever I wanted with very little consequence.

Now, however, I need to pay attention to what I eat, how much I eat, and when I eat. A few months back I stepped on the scale and did not like the number the scale showed me. It was time for a change. The weight loss that has ensued has been a mental and physical journey, but it also became a spiritual journey as well. I learned that I could go to bed hungry and that is okay. I learned that life is not about satisfying my every indulgence. Through it, I learned that I need a greater focus on what God wants of my life, and less focus on my own needs.

It is not quite fasting to lose a little weight through self-discipline, but but it does bring more clarity and focus into my world.

Side effects of this journey: I lost almost 50 pounds. I have more energy, my nightly heartburn is gone, I moved down a few sizes in clothes, and my thought life is more under control. I know, it seems funny that by not indulging in food without restraint, my thought life would change as well. To me, this has been more about learning to to say no to cravings of the flesh and asking God to give me the strength to keep my resolve.

If you are like me, you are quite glad that you don’t dwell in the company of mind-readers. I can be just floating along minding my own business when a thought comes through that is just not something to be proud of. If I don’t capture those thoughts and focus on more noble things, I wallow in shallow self-indulgent daydreams. God wants more from me, and from you too.

In Philippians 4:8 (NLT) the Bible says:
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

My wife deserves to hold a starring role in my sensual thoughts. My friends deserve my thoughts to be encouraging and non-judgemental. My God deserves my thoughts of adoration without the distraction of idols.

I also need to take this beyond my thoughts and teach my children about disciplining their thought-life. too. I need to show my sons how I turn away from looking at a woman who is wearing something that reveals too much, and I need to encourage them to do the same. I need to teach my children that they need to control themselves, even when they are angry or frustrated. My kids also need to hear me tell them no, when they want the latest, coolest gadget–learning that they must wait instead of immediately satisfying their desire for things.

Are you feeling weighed down by unrighteous thoughts and the associated guilt? I encourage you to begin the journey of losing the weight, the burden. And losing a few actual pounds might be not be so bad either.

Disclaimer: I am no workout junkie. Just the opposite. I still enjoy a well-made burger, a large order of fries, and a chocolate (no wait, maybe a strawberry) shake. I battle daily with doing the right thing, just like you.

Don’t Feed Them Cheese and Crackers

Don't Feed Them Cheese and CrackersOne of the key messages that I try to convey to dads is the idea of parenting with the end in mind. We must have a strategic plan for what we want our sons to know and be when they leave us for that next season of life at eighteen. We must think and parent with college in mind. The best thing you can do as a father is take a day and walk around a college campus. This will give you a great perspective on what’s ahead for your son.

Thinking about college reminds me of a great story I heard from a parent about their son’s first few weeks at school. This particular young man was ready to go. He registered for classes and moved into his new home in the dorm. This young man was working his way through college and was on a strict budget. All he could afford for his meals were cheese and crackers. Day after day he would scrape by eating whatever he could afford. After two weeks of this misery, he decided to splurge for a meal at the cafeteria on campus. As expected, he loaded his plate as high and far as the tray would hold. When he finally made it to the cashier, he was nervous that it would be a huge blow to his limited budget. He asked the cashier what the total would be and the cashier asked for his student ID. The cashier politely told him that the cost of the meal was included in his tuition when he registered for classes.

From the first day of class, this young man had access to all the food he could eat; yet he failed to understand how the meal program was applicable to him.This is parenting in a nutshell. Our job as fathers is to be the spiritual leader of our household, yet we forget to think in terms of why we teach it. Our boys need to understand how the truth we are teaching applies to their life now and in the future. We are preparing them for life on their own. They must know God’s truth, why they believe it, and how that applies to their everyday life. Proactive dads seek to be a representation of God’s truth and pass it on to their boys.

My prayer is that we take every opportunity we have to impart truth into the lives of our boys. We have a limited time with them. Don’t waste an opportunity to prepare them for life on their own. They need us to cast vision for what it means to be a godly man and how that applies to their life on a daily basis. Don’t let them feed on cheese and crackers when you can give them a whole meal. Take advantage of the time you have. It will be over before you know it.

 

Photo Credit: Matza by Mike Wirth, from The Noun Project and Cheese designed by Alessandro Suraci from The Noun Project

Speaking Over Our Children

This past week, a team from our church had the privilege of serving with Compassion International in Ecuador.  Our mornings were spent doing light construction on a sponsor church, while our afternoons were spent working with the children of Las Brisas.  Through soccer games, bubbles, jumping rope, crafts, and stories, I couldn’t help but wonder how many of these children had never had words spoken over them.  Certainly they have had plenty of words spoken to them, but what about words over them?

Barely knowing the language, I asked our translator to tell me how to tell a child that they are God’s treasure.  He scribbled these words in my journal that I would later have the opportunity to speak over several children, trusting that God would impress them on their hearts.

“Eres un Tesoro de Dios – You are God’s treasure.”  Simple words spoken, not just to them, but over them.

Speaking Over Our Children ~www.boydads.com

Sadly, I too often speak to, and not over, those I treasure most. My words can easily be used sharply, critically, self-righteously, and carelessly.  Like wet cement, my words have left a fair share of marks that, if not smoothed out, quickly harden.  How true it is that “the tongue can bring death or life” (Proverbs 18:21)

I have also sinned by withholding words. Sometimes it’s not what we say, but rather what we don’t say: feelings of appreciation, approval, and encouragement left unspoken.  Both the spoken and unspoken have the potential of doing damage far beyond measuring.  So often, I can speak to and not over those I love most.

For most men, words don’t come easily.  We’ve all heard or read the statistics; women use more words than men.  Men would often times rather sit shoulder to shoulder, grunt, cheer, and occasionally offer a fist-bump.  Not exactly meaningful or sophisticated, but we still call it communication.

But words don’t have to be weapons that wound.  And they certainly don’t have to be pointless, either.  As fathers who image our Father, we can use our words redemptively.  Like instruments, they can be used for good, life, joy, wisdom, and encouragement.  After all, words belong to God.  They are not ours to use as we please or purpose.  We speak because God speaks.

One of the things we learn at the very beginning of the Bible is that God speaks.  He not only uses words, but He is the author of words.  Unlike us, in our fallen and sinful state, when God speaks, He does so in a truly instructive and redemptive way.   In Genesis chapter 1, the very first chapter and book of the Bible, we see the phrase “And God said” nine times.

God speaks into and over His creation.  With purpose and power His words create out of nothing.  His words are instruments of life, truth, grace, and beauty.

Light bursts forth from darkness.

Beauty springs up out of the chaos.

Order emerges from disorder.

God speaks words of life.

But in Genesis 3 we learn that God is not the only one who speaks.  We see that there is a “war of words” going on in the Garden.  Satan uses words too.  But unlike God, his words bring death, pain, deception, separation, and ultimately the loss of Paradise.

As image-bearers of God, one of the ways we glorify Him is in our speech.  We reflect his image by the use of our words. God speaks over us as our Father.  He calls to us, and speaks over us as His children – adopted, treasured, lavished by His love, saints, citizens of heaven, and the list goes on. He speaks to us what He intends, but not without speaking over us our identity in Him.

One of the great gifts we can give our sons is the gift of our words.  I encourage you to be a father who doesn’t just speak to your sons, but speaks over them.  We never know the full impact, for good or bad, that our words will have.  May the words that our Father speaks over us be words we speak to and over our sons – words of life, joy, approval, hope, wisdom, and encouragement. 

Blessings,

Patrick Schwenk, The Dig for Kids