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3 Characteristics of A Good Coach

May 23, 2013 By Leave a Comment

3-Characteristics-of-a-Good-Coach
It’s the NBA Conference Finals, and my hometown of Memphis is buzzing with excitement. It is always interesting to see how the happiness of our great city rises and falls with the results of our team. During the playoffs, I have noticed that the head coach is under an increased amount of scrutiny. As I read both the praises and criticisms of our head coach, Lionel Hollins, I could not help but see the similarities between coaches and parents.

As my boys have gotten older, I have realized that my role is gradually shifting from primary teacher to primary coach. The role is not any less important, but it does change my focus. A good head coach does a number of things well, but there are three things that I believe are very applicable to parenting. I hope that, as you read through this post, one or all of them will strike a chord with you.

1. A good coach knows his personnel. You cannot lead a team you know nothing about. A coach has to study his players, know their strengths and weaknesses, and coach accordingly. I think in parenting we often parent to how we want our children to be, without considering their true strengths and weaknesses. Know your child well and make sure that you can push them in their strengths and help them in their weaknesses.

2. A good coach always makes adjustments. The ebb and flow of an NBA game causes the coach to make adjustments as the game progresses. A dad must be willing to make adjustments to his strategic plan as he goes. The personality or learning style of your son might force you to change parts of your strategic plan so that he can be ready to launch into that next season of life with all the tools he needs. Don’t be afraid of change.

3. A good coach models the style of the team. The Grizzlies are known for “Heart, Grit, and Grind” basketball and our coach models that same type of toughness. A dad must model the vision for manhood that he is casting for his son. It is very difficult to be an effective father if you are not modeling the vision you are casting. Boys must see the vision clearly in the life of their father.

Coach them up, dads. Remember, we are not just parenting boys. We are parenting future husbands and fathers. They need all the good coaching they can get.

Filed Under: Fatherhood, Masculinity, Spiritual Leadership, Training Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Sharing the Glory of the Mundane

May 21, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Gloryofmundane

I sometimes look around me and wonder how in the world I can communicate a concept to my sons. I have a great batch of guys here, two adults and four younger sons, and I am humbled and delighted by the men they are growing to be, every one of them. God has blessed our efforts to raise them to know their Savior and their duty, and to embrace them both.

But there’s something I recognize in myself that I never expected when I was younger, and no one ever really spoke to me about. Like most young guys, I had visions of the different roles I hoped to play. The childhood dreams of military glory and academic honor moderated to the actual achievements of a decent education and an honorable four years as a lieutenant.  My late-high school decision to pursue an engineering degree led to a useful twenty years in government and industry service, before striking out in a different direction as an entrepreneur (and occasional consultant) – not as chief engineer of a large industrial site, but as CEO of a tiny company of my own.

More intriguing than those kinds of vision changes—after all, who hasn’t changed careers or employers, or recognized their boyhood fantasy wasn’t the stuff of reality—more interesting to me is the change I found in my daily outlook.

When I went to college, my parents gave me a monthly allowance for incidental expenses—a massive $100 a month. Yes, it was a few years ago, but not that long ago. It was sufficient for someone of conservative tastes living in the dorms. I remember my dad remarking, a bit wryly, “You know, I think you have more disposable income here than I do.”

No way, I thought. Dad was always truthful, but surely that couldn’t be accurate.

As an adult, I realized that he was probably right. I’d still like a hundred dollars a month to just spend “however.” But what I never expected was that as an adult, I would look at that and say It’s okay. I would consider the money we had tied up in our house, groceries, taxes, electricity, and say, “It’s the cost of being a grown-up and having a family, and I accept it.” I would see a more affluent friend and not envy the BMW he drove to work, but admire his new 15-passenger van instead.

Recently I read an article by a professor at Liberty University, arguing for the value of marriage as a cornerstone of our adult lives – not a capstone, to add once we achieve our career plans and financial goals, but as a foundational part of our lives that we build upon with those other dreams and aspirations. One phrase leaped out at me: she spoke of learning “to luxuriate in the quotidian.” In other words, we discover satisfaction, and really, delight, in the everyday duties and responsibilities of marriage and family. I never expected that, but I’ve found it to be true. And that is an idea I hope I communicate to my sons—sure, dream, aspire, work hard for noble and ambitious goals, but realize that at the end of the day, there is a treasury of happiness in the simple and profound calling of husband, father, and householder.

Filed Under: Behavior, Fatherhood, Marriage, Responsibility, Servanthood Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Take Aim and Release

May 16, 2013 By Leave a Comment

father-son-bow

I recently had the amazing opportunity to listen to a challenge from Dr. Duane Litfin. If you are not familiar with the name, he is the President Emeritus of Wheaton College, and brought some great reminders to me in his presentation.

We read from Psalm 127. I have to admit, I had never taken the whole chapter as a single topic, but after hearing this, I felt compelled to share.

You see, I find myself challenged with the notion that my day-job needs to matter. From what I have read in management literature, I am not alone in this. We all need to have a sense that we are not just wasting our days and that we will come to the end of our lives wondering if we really made a difference.  Here is what the Psalmist had to say…

1 Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain. 2 In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat—for he grants sleep to those he loves. 3 Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. 4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. 5 Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court. (NIV)

I have never really connected verses 1-2 with 3-5 before. Solomon was passing along some wisdom that really struck home with me. It is not an accident that he starts by saying that the Lord needs to be in the center of the work, but then he wraps it all up talking about our kids and the blessing they are.

Solomon was really onto something here. I have always said that my definition of success in this life is that my grandchildren are serving God. Regardless of where I work, and what I do, my first, and most powerful, field of influence is my children.

C.S. Lewis once said “All that is not eternal is eternally out of date.”

How much of the daily work I do is outdated the moment I finish it? Is my career really all about things that no one will know about, or care about, decades from now? I contrast that against the generations before me, and the generations that come after me. My dad does not have much in the way of material possessions, but he did leave me and my siblings a legacy to follow: A passionate legacy of living a life with God unashamedly.

Am I looking at my kids as a blessing? Many days – yes. Some days I forget and need this reminder.

Am I intentional in how I aim their lives towards the Lord? I need to be more so. When I am not placing a priority on my children, and their need for seeing who God is, it is because I am guilty of placing too much emphasis on other endeavors. Endeavors that, regardless of how noble, pale in comparison to my role as the father, mentor, leader in my home. My boys need to see the God I serve. They need to know that I am here for them. They need to know that true manhood is experiencing a personal relationship with the God of creation.

Disclaimer: I often refer to myself as a Jack of all Trades, Master of None. May I learn to be a Master of One Trade – Dad.

Filed Under: Blessing, Challenge, Fatherhood, Responsibility, Spiritual Leadership, Work Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Manhood is Caught, Not Taught

May 14, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Manhood isn’t taught; it’s caught.

I’ve shared this concept many times as I’ve encouraged men to embrace their role as coaches to young guys.  It isn’t really a foreign concept since most guys have had some type of coach in their lifetime.  You may be remembering one from your past right this minute.  Of course, not all coaching results in a positive experience, but you probably will agree that the influence of that coach has made a lasting impact.

As with coaching, fathering can also be either positive or negative.  Since none of us are perfect, our fathering will probably include some of both.  The question is, how can we minimize the negative and maximize the positive as we interact with our sons?

As the father of three sons (ages 36, 27, and 25), I have had to remind myself for years that my job is not to raise boys, but rather to raise men.  The job never really stops; it just changes based on age and maturity level.  As our sons mature and grow older, they will need a father’s influence in many differing ways.  Learning how to influence them appropriately will be a life’s work for any father.

I can assure you that our culture needs men who know what the role entails.  Unfortunately, we seem to be suffering from an overabundance of males who simply have no idea what practical and godly manhood looks like.  In other words, we have too many boys, many of whom are in their 50’s and 60’s.

Manhood-Caught-Not-Taught

Manhood is something like a cold virus: the strain you catch is the same strain as the person you caught it from.  So it is important for us as fathers to learn the type of manhood that God describes throughout scripture.  If you were to grade King David’s fathering and manhood, he would probably have a near failing grade.  But the New Testament refers to him as “a man after God’s own heart.”  Abraham lied about his wife and caused her to be placed in the harem of another king.  Not exactly stellar manhood, yet his faith was credited to him as righteousness.  Having God’s heart and living in faith are essential elements of godly manhood.  Actively cultivating these in your life will help you be the man your son should emulate.

Our society places a lot of emphasis on education.  We seem to think we can educate our problems out of existence.  What we may have overlooked in the process is the need for teaching (education) and instruction (coaching).  God nuances this language as he tells mothers to teach their children and fathers to instruct them.

Instruction includes demonstration and practical application.  In other words, the one being instructed observes the desired behavior during the instruction.  When we instruct our sons to securely tie the boat to a dock, it includes a demonstration.  The knot chosen may have been taught through a diagram, but the application is observed as someone else actually ties the boat to the dock.  By observing a man’s behavior, a boy is instructed about how a man acts.

My coach has told me a number of profound truths over the years, but in my next post we’ll look at the one I have found to be the most impactful: “You will never father well until you have been fathered well.”  In the meantime, keep at it.  Learn as much as you can about the Father’s Heart and believe what He says is true.  After all, faith is believing what God has said and then living it out daily.

Try it and watch what happens.

Filed Under: Fatherhood, Masculinity, Spiritual Leadership, Training Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Like Father, Like Son

May 9, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Hey Dad,

Remember that old 70’s anti-smoking commercial that coined the phrase, “Like Father, Like Son?” Well, I felt a tinge of that today with my son, Jed (5), and it felt good…and scary.

It started out just like any other day. I was getting dressed and about to grab the first shirt on top when I remembered my wife telling my mom that I always wear what’s on top, which ends up being the same thing over and ove;r so I decided to dig deep and wear something different.

I pulled a blue-striped rugby shirt out and pulled it over my head. Later, I bumped into Jed, and he looked up at me in surprise and beamed a big smile.

“We match!” he said pointing to my shirt. “I’ve got one like that.”

He disappeared and then reappeared a few minutes later, proud as all get out, wearing a shirt almost identical to mine. We took a picture together and my little boy hugged his rugby-clad papa. I could almost hear that soothing narrator’s voice say, “Like father, like son.” It felt good knowing my son wanted to be like me…and then it felt scary knowing my son wanted to be like me.

Father Son

It’s a two-edged sword…and I wield them both. If that doesn’t terrify you, nothing will. But that’s what makes what we do so powerful. That’s why we can’t afford to coast, slack off, or quit. There’s too much riding on it…er…us. Jed needs me to show him how to be a dad, a husband, and a man. Actually, all eight of my children do.

Guess what? So do yours…like father, like…you know.

You ‘da dad,

Todd

PS – Rodney Atkins wrote a great song about this very thing called ”Watching You.” Buckle on your country seatbelt.

 

photo credit
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For the Father Who Fails

May 7, 2013 By 1 Comment

For the Father Who Fails ~www.boydads.com

I am a failure.  Everyone around me knows it, but it’s still a little embarrassing to admit it.  Though none of us should be content at failing, we shouldn’t be condemned by failure either.

For most guys, failure is about as well received as a dentist appointment.  We hate it.  The tendency and temptation when faced with the fear of failure, is to become angry, grow distant, work hard at faking it, or just flat out deny it.  But at some point, we need to let the grace of God free us from trying so hard to be a faultless father.

I sin.
I don’t always do devotions every night.
I am not always kind.
Patience and joy are sometimes elusive at the end of a day.
I don’t always listen intently.
I have to fight to be fully present at times.
I am a failure.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I am not a deadbeat dad who doesn’t love or lead his family.  I certainly do plenty that’s right – more than my wrong (I think).  But the good news is that we have a Savior who parents with perfection.

He always does what is good, right, and wise.
His character never changes.
He is slow to anger, compassionate, and abounding in love.
He turns His ear to us when we call to Him.
He came to be with us and for us
By grace, and through faith, His record becomes ours.

“It is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul.” -Charles Spurgeon

I will never be a perfect father to my sons.  But the good news is that I can point them to a Father who is.  He is a Father who loved me in the middle of my sin by giving me His son (Romans 5:8).  In Christ, I boast about Jesus’ record, not my own.  I boast about a Father who did not withhold His own Son so that I could become one of His very own.

May God’s faithful and faultless love for you lead you to walk more closely, depend more deeply, and trust more completely.  As you remain and rest in His affection for you, may His heart and character become your own.  And may you be a dad who continually leads your sons to the “throne of God’s grace,” so that they too, may find mercy and grace in their time of need (Hebrews 4:16).

Blessings,

Pat, The Dig for Kids

Filed Under: Failure, Fatherhood, Grace Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

One Of The Greatest Gifts To Our Sons

April 25, 2013 By 1 Comment

On April 22 my wife and I celebrated our 18th Anniversary. It’s natural to reflect on the many adventures we’ve shared during those years. As with all marriages, we’ve had our share of challenges. We’ve fought through financial setbacks, weathered thirteen moves, and experienced three different career paths. But the most rewarding aspect of these 18 years has been our three boys. For most of those years, fifteen to be exact, a son has been listening to and observing us together. You could say they have been the source of much of our happiness and delight. They’ve been the source of some of those challenges as well. Nevertheless, they bring an added sense of purpose and meaning to our family. And for that reason I am thankful for the woman that God has given me as a wife and mother.

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When I consider the purpose and responsibility of a family, it’s imperative that I acknowledge how my sons observe the way my wife and I treat each other. How we speak to one another, support one another, and handle conflict are all paramount in raising our boys. Obviously, we aren’t perfect. We have made countless mistakes. Many times our boys have observed our messiness. Unfortunately, they’ve expressed those mistakes and failures in their own life at times.

Therefore, I want to share with you one of the greatest gifts you can give your son(s). For some of you this may seem obvious. To others, it might be unassuming. Either way, do not take for granted how important this is in raising your boys.

Gifts To Our Sons
One of the greatest gifts you can give your boys is the example of loving, honoring, and esteeming your wife. I understand there is more to unpack here than I have time for in a blog post. But here are some questions (and some added comments) that might open the way for reflection. I find myself pondering these often. Ask God to help you be real, honest and humble. By the way, it’s not easy to be real, but the reward is always underestimated.

How does your son feel about girls/women in general? Does he view them as inferior or second-class?

(Your son is learning, whether or not you’re aware, so you be the one to teach him. Is he being taught a clear understanding of how God intends for men and women to relate to each other: work related, friendship, dating, marriage, etc?)

How does he hear you talk about your wife when she is not around?

(This tends to be most telling when you and your wife are experiencing conflict. What does he learn about humility, honor, esteeming another person, responsibility, blaming, courage, and selflessness?)

Is the physical more important than the other aspects of her being?

(Women love to hear that they’re beautiful, but include the inside as well as the outside. Boys need to see the beauty of Christ is multi-faceted as it’s expressed in all of us. This includes a woman’s intellect, emotions, creativity, gifts, talents, and aspirations)

Do you find ways to serve her in front of your son?

(I say in front of your son not to show off or to be a fake, but genuinely offering yourself in a way that honors and esteems her as a woman of God. The small things go a long way. If you don’t know how or what that is, then ask her. This is the beginning step to teaching your son about having a servant’s heart)

Do you participate in discussions, often with other guys, where it casts women in a demeaning or slanderous light?

(Our boys are growing up in a generation where TV, media, and entertainment cast women as objects and men as bozos. Teaching them to treat girls with respect, tenderness, and selflessness begins with being a leader in the marriage)

Do you ask for her opinion or insight when making decisions? Does she feel she is in partnership with you or just a bystander reaping the consequences of what you decide?

(Are you always right? Is it your way or the highway? Teaching our sons to be inclusive to others in problem solving is not only honoring to them, but also helps teach selflessness and tolerance)

Do you compliment and praise her? Her looks, her accomplishments, her attention to the home, the kids, the meals, YOU!

(The best way to ensure your son learns gratitude is to express your gratefulness to your wife. Show it, say it, and share it…make it a habit)

How does she know you are leading her? What are the ways she would say you are leading in the home?

(This takes humility, so be prepared for her honesty. Having a date night speaks volumes about relationship to your son. He will notice much of what has been discussed above: esteeming her, showing her value, being selfless, and making the people we love a priority)

By no means are these questions meant to be exhaustive, or to “guilt” you into a performance-based way of relationships. Rather, I hope they spark some self-evaluation as you consider the messages your son might be getting as he observes you and your wife together. What a responsibility AND opportunity we have as fathers. We have a direct influence on the next generation of leaders…our sons. We also have an empowering influence on the next generation of husbands and fathers. I would argue there is nothing more important to a man’s success in life.

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Filed Under: Love, Marriage, Servanthood, Training Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What A Man’s Gotta Do

April 18, 2013 By Leave a Comment

WhatamansgottadoMy wife, weak from the stomach flu, came out of the bathroom where she’d been hiding out—hiding by my request, I should say.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, shakily. “I feel like I shouldn’t have left you out there to do that.”

She had just stepped into the bathroom for the bedtime rituals when one of our younger children stumbled to the door of our bedroom and was gloriously sick—on me, on the laundry beside the door, the surroundings generally. Knowing Melanie was in a dicey state already, I had called out to her, “You stay where you are—we’ll take care of it.” Two of my sons scrambled for towels, trash bags, all the stuff needed to get the situation at least stabilized, and in a few minutes we got the sick child off to a different bathroom, the first load in the laundry, and Ground Zero restored to a more hygienic state.

It made me think about my father, who passed away while I was in college. Dad was a strong man with a weak stomach. My mother used to tell me that if my sister or I were sick, or even needed a serious diaper change, Dad would take care of the cleanup without hesitation or complaint, and when the crisis was over, excuse himself to the bathroom and be privately ill. Mom tried to spare him that indignity whenever possible, but the thing that she remembered and shared with us was that, even so, he went ahead and did it.

I’ve often thought that most Christians are not likely to face lions in the Arena – we brace ourselves up for that – but more often, we’re pecked to death by chickens. My dad never took a bullet for any of us, he never took newsworthy public stands or did remarkable feats of heroism, but he lived a life of quiet faithfulness to the needs of his family. I’m sure he would have run into burning buildings for any of us, but he answered the call of marriage and fatherhood by doing the routine, boring, even nauseating stuff, just as a matter of course.

The old Western-movie cliché is “Sometimes a man’s gotta do, what a man’s gotta do.” I learned from my dad that most of what a man’s gotta do is not the stuff of movies or newsreels, but the simple willingness to sacrifice his own desires and comfort for the needs of someone else. I hope my sons are learning the same lesson from me.

 

Photo Credit

Filed Under: Behavior, Challenge, Fatherhood, Marriage, Masculinity, Responsibility, Servanthood Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

You know the NEW saying, “Boys will be…girls??!!”

April 9, 2013 By 9 Comments

Hey Dad,

There aren’t many things in the media that get my temperature up because I know that most of what the experts predict, discuss, or preach doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.

That said, I feel my temperature rising over an idea that seems to be growing. It’s the thought that: little boys who think they feel like little girls should be nurtured in that thinking.

Boys will be girls?

First, an article was passed on to me by a fellow dad about another dad in Germany (I think) who wore a skirt because his little boy liked to wear dresses and the dad didn’t want to discourage his son from being who he wanted to be.

Some of us have had boys who put on dresses from time to time. My boys have occasionally come up to me with goofy looks on their faces to parade their silly dress-up. I always laughed and then added, “Now go get something else on…boys don’t wear dresses.”

I didn’t make a huge deal out of it, but I also wanted to teach my sons from an early age that God expects ‘men’ to be men. It’s not optional.

Then yesterday, I read in World Magazine (March 23, 2013) that several hospitals in the US offer hormonal treatments for kids questioning their gender. The treatment postpones puberty so that if little Johnny decides he really wants to be a girl, then he won’t have started down the slippery path of ‘maleness’ before it’s too late to alter.

What set my blood boiling is that the story described how a DAD took his 9-year-old son to Chicago for the treatment because his son liked to wear dresses. This may sound like an isolated, far-fetched incident, but it’s a reminder that our society as a whole is working hard to convince us that these gender lines don’t matter.

Dad, it is our job as father to not give our sons the option of being a boy or girl. If God created them as boys, then they ARE boys and our sole purpose as their dad is to help and guide them to be MEN.

So, you make sure your sons dress like men, do men things, and behave as men. It’s not about some legalistic macho stereotype, it’s about training our sons to be dads, husbands, and the men God created them to be.

And I’m telling you, it’s a whole bunch easier to start when they’re little boys than waiting until they’re teenagers.

You ‘da man-dressing-dad,

Todd

Filed Under: Behavior, Challenge, Masculinity Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Men’s Breakfast

March 26, 2013 By 2 Comments

Men's Breakfast BoyDads

Friday Morning.

6:15 AM.

Boys #1, #2, and #3 are all up, dressed, and ready to go. The reason?

Breakfast with Dad.

We had a great time enjoying morning conversation and pancakes that, as boy #2 said, “…were as big as my head!” I am going to be intentional and make this something I do every 6 to 8 weeks. It is easier than trying to do lunch at their school with them individually, and it is great to get some time with my men-in-training.

Here are 3 reasons you should take your sons to breakfast sometime soon:

1. Build memories — You do not have to have amazingly deep and meaningful conversation for the time to be memorable. They will remember the time they spent with you. Save the money you would spend on them for “stuff” and use it for experiences. When you are a kid, breakfast with dad on a school day is an experience to remember.

2. Lay the foundation — While you may not have many serious things to talk about with your kids when they are 8, 6, and 4, you will as they get older. Having a routine of getting away with them is a good start and something you can build on. As they grow and mature, so will your conversations.

3. Because you are dad — I know you are busy and you have lots going on. You are an important person. I get it. But, you are their father before any of those other things you listed in your head as to why you do not have time for this. Your engagement in their life matters. It impacts them in ways you will never know. Just like your absence.

So, go have breakfast with your kids. And if you do, get the pancakes. They are as big as your head!

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Being called to be a Godly husband (leading his wife to all God intended her to be) and raising his boys into Godly men is the greatest calling that Dustin Kaehr knows.He has a passion to do these things everyday. He truly wants to be an Authentic Man that Rejects Passivity, Leads Courageously, Accepts Responsibility, and Expects the Greater Reward, God’s Reward.  You can find him blogging about fatherhood, marriage, and godly living at www.dustinkaehr.com
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