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3 Tools for Transforming The Heart of Your Boy (Part 2)

April 30, 2013 By Leave a Comment

In Part 1, we started talking about our role as dads as heart-shapers of our sons and what we are trusting in as tools to shape and mold the hearts of our sons.  We talked about the failure of the “pull-up-your-bootstraps” approach and the tactic of the ever-popular manipulative guilt trip.  These are great forms of behavior modification that we can use to gain situational relief, and therefore make our own lives easier, but these tools won’t shape and mold a heart.  So what we are left with as a resource of heart transformation?

transforming boy

The Gospel

In Galatians 3:1-3, Paul is beside himself trying to figure how the Christ-followers in Galatia have screwed it up.  They are more than willing to admit that the Holy Spirit was necessary for them to become Christians, but somehow they have made the mistake of thinking that they were the primary agent of change when it came to their growth as Christians. Galatians 3:1–3 (ESV):

1 O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? It was before your eyes that Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified. 2 Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? 3 Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?

Paul goes on to explain that it is the Gospel (the life, death, resurrection, and return of Christ) that holds the key, not just to initial change, but all the transformation that will happen in life.  As a dad, this means that the key to my son growing in his selfishness, is not me beating him over the head with what he should do, but showing him what he is not believing about the Gospel, that if he were to believe it, he would be more selfless.  The key to my son growing in courage, boldness, kindness, love, thankfulness is not me placing some huge guilt trip on him and shaming him into acting the right way, it is showing him the truths of the gospel, showing him what it means to be an adopted son of God and co-heir with Christ, and praying that the Spirit would use that truth to transform his heart.  Notice, I am not advocating some sort of free-grace, no responsibility type of position.  We have an obligation.  We have a duty.  But we need to remember that it is the Spirit who is the agent of change and we are simply a tool in his hand.

So dad, how have you been a tool today in the hand of the Spirit to transform your son’s life?  In what ways have you exposed your son or daughter to the truths of the Gospel with the hope and prayer that their hearts would be transformed as He convinces their hearts more of this Gospel truth?

Now, if you are reading this and feeling tinges of guilt or a building resolve to “do a better job” as a dad in this way, know that all of the above applies to us as dads as well.  The first step in rightly transforming the hearts of our sons is our own rightly motivated transformation… not actions motivated by guilt or mental resolve, but praying that the Spirit would raise up in you a desire to see the truth of the Gospel transform your son.  This is our joyful duty and hope as dads; that we, and our families, would be transformed by the truth of Jesus Christ.  This is my trust and confidence!

Filed Under: Behavior, Conflict, Spiritual Leadership, Training Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

3 Tools For Transforming The Heart Of Your Boy (Part 1)

April 11, 2013 By Leave a Comment

My oldest son is just a few weeks beyond turning 13.  As a dad who has spent a decade in youth ministry, there is part of me that feels ready and prepared, knowing the issues he is going to struggle with, the challenges he will face, and the strategies I can utilize to help him.  Yet there is another part of me that the word “inadequacy” can’t even begin to describe. I know my son is in the midst of change… all boys are, especially at this age.  So the fact that my son needs to grow has little to do with my constant seesaw between confidence and inadequacy.  In fact, more than the reality of change, the question that impacts my effectiveness as a dad is really, “What am I placing my trust and confidence in when it comes to the power available to transform  and mold my son?”

transforming boy

From what I can tell, there are primarily three tools that I have at my disposal as a dad as I seek to help nurture my son’s growth in a way that is more than just behavior modification:

 

  1. Will Power.  The “can-do” attitude is part of who we are as men.  There is no mountain too tall, no river too wide, no valley too deep that we can’t overcome (thanks to Diana Ross).  We as men think ourselves to be nearly invincible and in need of very little.  Especially when it comes to change.  If there is an area of weakness in our lives, all we need is a little discipline and we can fix it.  If there is a challenge in front of us, all we have to do is have some stick-to-it-iveness and we can plow through it.  “Just do it,” are the words rolling through our minds with the theme song of the A-Team as background music.  Will power is the motivation we offer when we try to convince our sons that they are good enough and smart enough and capable enough.  Will power is the motivation we appeal to when we remind our kids that they know what they need to do, now just make it happen.  Yet will power will ultimately not lead to any lasting transformation.  It may yield temporary results and short term gains, but it won’t transform a heart.
  2. Emotions.  In the midst of the rollercoaster that our sons are already on, appealing to their emotions is sometimes so easy and effective.  We appeal to their emotions when we correct them with phrases like, “stop crying like a girl,” or “act like a man.”  It is the appeal to emotions that lies behind, “you better do this or you will get punished.”  After all, who really wants to invite pain and suffering?  Emotions are the basis of our appeal when we attempt to motivation our sons by connecting their actions to our love and approval of them.  If the only time your son hears you say “I love you,” is when he scores a touchdown or goal or basket, is it any surprise that he becomes the most zealous athlete in the neighborhood?  The guilt trip may yield some short-term, circumstantial gains, but the heart will still fail to be transformed.

So, without the “pull up your bootstraps” approach and the “let-me-make-you-feel-like-junk” (aka the guilt trip) tactic, what is left in your quiver as a dad?  Your most effective hope of all… but for that you need to check back for part two!

 

Filed Under: Behavior, Conflict, Fatherhood, Spiritual Leadership, Training, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

From The Fairway To The Freeway

February 26, 2013 By Leave a Comment

We knew it was a gamble that we’d make it to South Bend, but we didn’t plan on breaking down right in the middle of the toll booth.

My family and I were on a 4600-mile loop through the upper Midwest and into central Canada, and when you take a trip like that with seven children, a box trailer, and an 11-year-old van, you expect to have some unscheduled adventures. This time, it was a failing alternator on a cold and blustery Saturday four days into our trip. As bothersome as a toll plaza breakdown may be, what made it worse was that we had just replaced that alternator two days before, in a truck stop parking lot in North Carolina.  We were about to meet our third and fourth tow truck operators within a week.

Occasionally I have to remind myself of a simple rule from the golf course– You play the ball where it lies.  On the course, it means that even when the ball has gone where you wish it hadn’t, the game goes on. You can complain and make excuses and point fingers all day, but eventually you either continue the game or give it up.  It’s better if all your drives are straight, long, and true, but sooner or later you’ll have to recover from a sand trap or some other hazard. Figuring out how to recover is part of the game.

From the Fairway to the Freeway

I find I have to apply this rule to my daily life on a regular basis. Being an engineer by training, I tend to analyze things to death, and sometimes I can get distracted trying to find the explanation (or fix the blame) for a problem. Granted, if a problem keeps repeating in your family, you do need to get to the bottom of it. If the family car always seems to have an empty gas tank after a certain teen borrows it, that’s a cause-and-effect problem which needs a remedy!

But more often, the important thing for the moment is not who’s at fault or even what went wrong, but rather, how we get past the immediate problem and keep moving forward. Sitting on display in an Indiana toll booth, I had to make some decisions. Maybe we made a mistake when we installed the first alternator; maybe there was a manufacturing defect in the new part; maybe something else entirely was at fault. The important point there on the outskirts of South Bend, though, was getting the van and trailer out of the traffic lane, and then repairing the alternator. And that’s what we did.

Later, we might look over what happened and whether it was something that could have been prevented then, or possibly some way to avoid it in the future.  At the point of the crisis, though, it’s time to play the ball where it lies. We dads need to keep that in mind ourselves, and we need to demonstrate it to our sons.

Filed Under: Behavior, Conflict, Failure, Fatherhood Tagged With: , , , , ,

Freedom & Choices

February 14, 2013 By 9 Comments

One of the toughest jobs we face as parents can be balancing giving our children freedom and then setting parameters/boundaries. It can be especially challenging as they grow older into adolescence. Whether naturally or by force, responsibility is an inevitable fact of growing up. As the old saying goes, “With freedom comes responsibility.” So, how do I walk this line of knowing when and where and how much at the right level?

Let’s begin with a simple fact…God created mankind to be free (Gen. 1-2). Think back to Adam and Eve in the Garden: what made that environment free? To begin with, there had to be a choice. Thus, God set a limit on what they were allowed to have by introducing the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil into the Garden. Without the option of making a poor choice there could not have been absolute freedom. Furthermore, the purpose in God doing this was to express His unconditional love for them. God did not want robots—“do as you’re told”—He wanted authentic relationship that reflected the relationship found in the Triune God, one that was not based in fear or control. This is crucial in understanding our relationship with our loved ones, namely, our children. When considering this type of relationship some might question why God did such a thing to Adam and Eve. Did He set them up for failure? Why not place the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil right next to the Tree of Life to make the better choice more obvious…or place it far away, out of sight, so that it’s much more difficult to find? If I really cared about my beloved creation and wanted to prevent anything bad happening to them, that’s what I would have done, wouldn’t you?

This logical way of thinking determines much of how we parent as well. As parents we have a tendency to train our children in “serious” limitations so they will not sin. Sound familiar? I can think of the many ways in which I’ve parented out of fear of my boys making mistakes. Quite honestly, I think it’s a little tougher raising boys because they seem to push those limits earlier and more aggressively.

Freedom and Choices

With 3 boys in our home, God presents me with plenty of opportunities to practice this idea of giving choices and helping them with responsibility. My wife and I are constantly navigating the murky waters of protecting them, respecting their privacy, allowing consequences to their choices, and granting freedom for the sake of maturity. Having a 15 year old makes it even more challenging.

As I reflect on how God dealt with the possibility of Adam and Eve failing—and they failed…BIG TIME!—I realize a lesson for me in parenting my sons. If I’m afraid of sin, failure, mistakes, or poor choices in my sons, then I am prone to parent out of fear rather than love. I will tend to develop an expectation that they live a mistake-free life. In reality, the goal of this way of parenting is compliance and obedience without love and heart connection. It’s interesting to think how hard I work to eliminate poor choices in my sons’ lives, yet God actually introduced one in the Garden. What does this say about how I should view freedom, choice, and consequences in my daily life as a parent?

God had a plan for the failure of Adam and Eve—Jesus (Gen. 3:15). He brings peace and purpose to all situations, good or bad, clean or messy, success or failure. God uses our freedom to invoke trust, to take the ups and downs of life and cultivate a life of dependence on Him. His attitude towards our sin and failure is, “Yeah, you messed up…not good…and there’s a consequence. But, I love you, I’m here for you, and I need you to trust Me.” In his book Loving Our Kids On Purpose, Danny Silk says, “…at the heart of godly parenting is the conviction that the mistakes and failures of our children are not the enemy. The real enemy is bondage, and if we don’t teach our children how to walk in and handle freedom, they won’t know what to do with it.”

So, how are you handling the challenges of freedom, responsibility, choices, and consequences? Are you afraid of where your child might sin, fail, or make a poor decision? Where might you be too restrictive or controlling? Is it tough for you to allow your child to fail…in a safe and loving environment? Ask God to give you wisdom in the way you trust Him, so that you might guide your children in trusting you.

 

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Obedience Vs. Relationship

January 29, 2013 By 5 Comments

raising boys

We’re a hockey family. And a school yard-style, neighborhood version of the Stanley Cup happens in front of my house on a daily basis.  The other day my middle son came storming into the house, whimpering, sniffling, and plopping on the sofa with a huffin’ and puffin’ sound. He was MAD. Someone had done something to him he thought was not right and he was ready to explode.

I used to handle this several different ways…none of them really having any fruitful, meaningful, or lasting effect. Yelling, ignoring, playing judge & jury, overprotecting, or punishing everyone involved were epic fails.

obediencevsrelationship

I’ve learned that my reaction will do far more in setting the tone of what will follow than simply trying to get my son to behave in the way I want him to behave.  It’s taken many years, but here are a few things I’ve learned:

Learn to ASK  questions rather than make STATEMENTS—We parents are really good at “telling” our kids what we want them to do, how we want them to behave, and how we think they should react in conflict situations. But where’s the learning in that method for the child himself? When we ask questions, we are giving our children freedom to think, process, and consider the situation. By allowing them to have some of the control in the situation, we open the opportunity for them to  develop self-control. A more important reason is that when we ask questions we are bestowing respect to our children. We are connecting with their hearts. Our engagement with them says, “You have value, you matter, you are unique, and I’m interested in hearing what you have to say.” Above all else, we want them to consider the ramifications of their choices. Think about it: if we never allow our children the freedom to make some choices and then guide them through the consequences of those choices, why should we be shocked or disappointed when they’re older and they turn belligerent, rebellious, or incompetent in correct Biblical thinking?

As far as questions go…

Get in the habit of asking your child, “How does that make you feel?” It’s taken me a long time to discover the power in this question. We make choices based on how we’re feeling . Our feelings  and emotions come from what we’re thinking and believing. If I can understand how you’re feeling I have insight into what you’re thinking. Therefore, if you’re believing a lie it will affect your emotions, which will result in unhealthy behavior. Most parents begin with trying to correct or control behavior. This method might work sometimes, but it doesn’t address the heart of the matter. Right living (behavior) is a result of right thinking (beliefs). The Enemy seeks to attack us in our thinking. It is in our mind where the battle rages (Romans 12:2). As parents, our job is to nurture our children in right believing. Notice I said “nurture”, not order, control, manipulate, or punish them into obedience. I should know- I’ve ventured down these paths many times to no avail.

What about you? What’s your M.O.? Have you, like me, had occasions where you’ve gotten what you wanted from your child—obedience–but felt no heart connection? What is gained when we win the individual “battles” but lose the war? Next time your child finds himself in conflict ask the Holy Spirit to give you insight to ask and listen; to focus on how they’re feeling, not necessarily how they’re behaving; and to guide them through the choices and consequences that are available to them. Remember the goal–heart connection!

Chad Smith

 

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